Don’t you just hate it when you are scared to phone someone? I have big fears on phoning people, I can sit all day typing in their number then deleting it numerous times. I write down what I could say before ringing then anxiety bubbles away as the phone starts ringing, please don’t pick up I cry in my head. Then when the phone is answered Blah everything I have wrote down just all comes out at once. Now I know many people who do not like using the phone to speak to people BUT……
I am the same with emails and texts I can write something out 10 times or more then panic over actually pressing send. I then don’t look at my phone or email for hours after so I do not have to read the reply. Why? I don’t know that is just me.
Whats sleep? I really do not know anymore. My anxiety has always been at its worst when I am tired. My brain zones out and I feel like I can not speak to anyone, I have no words in my head then kick myself afterwards for not speaking up. Well at the minute sleep is alien to me. I can not remember when I last had a good nights sleep. Have I put the handbrake on my car? Did I turn my computer off? Did I lock the front door? Is my alarm on? What do I need to do when I get to work in the morning? What did I do this time 5 year ago? These are just a couple of things which I thought about last night leaving me with what 2 hours sleep? I feel on edge, my heart rate is going crazy and my anxiety is so high I doubt I will sleep tonight. It is a vicious cycle
Thanks for joining me
Anxiety has been part of me for as long as i can remember. It rules me. Tells me what I can and can not do, I try and stand up to anxiety and it knocks me back down. I have seen a specialist twice in my life to help me come to terms and cope with the anxieties I have – mainly around other people and I just do not seem to get anywhere. The first time I went through the NHS, it was a 20 minute appointment once a month – I gave up in the end. The second time I went private focusing on cognitive behaviour, it helped at first but then I started to get tired of always questioning everything I do and then doubted whether it was actually making me worst. I have decided to create a blog to get all the thoughts which are flying round my head and maybe just maybe it may mean my head can rest a little.